I am your angel of stinky cheese.

Warning: This was a short post originally, but it has now become incredibly long, full of rage, and possibly boring for the reader. But enjoy!

Victor decided to take an overnight trip to Boston, so I'm home alone. At 8pm, I noticed that The Phantom of the Opera was just about to start on HBO. Even though I was obsessed with the musical in junior high, and to a lesser degree, high school, I never did go see the movie. I saw the play in London several years ago. I had heard the movie was pretty bad.

So far, it is.

Honestly, I didn't think they could make the this musical any cheesier (and let's face it, it was pretty cheesy to begin with), but they did. Boy howdy. I'm only about a half hour into it (the boat ride into the dungeons), and I already detest the dude playing the Phantom. Why didn't they get someone who could sing? And what's up with all of the ridiculous shots of candles blowing out in slow motion? GOD! This Gerard Butler dude is making me want to turn it off! This coming from the girl who has read the book a bazillion times, seen 8 or 9 different movie versions of the story, and who freaking lip synched, in costume and with props, the title track with Ryan at a church talent show!

You know, Michael Crawford's voice can be kind of annoying too, but I'd take him any day over Butler. As an interesting sidenote, I wrote to him once, after Ryan and I had performed at the church talent show, and I told him how much I loved him and how we had performed the song. He sent back a nice letter and two signed and personalized photographs, one for me and one for Ryan. The letter was funny and I think even encouraged me to continue to study drama. Who knows, it was probably written by a secretary, but it really my day, no, my year, when I got it in the mail.

OK, the unmasking just took place, and ummm... what's wrong with his face? I don't even see anything. At least the Phantom on stage was pretty grotesque looking. The book's Phantom is pretty nasty too. So why is this guy even bothering to wear a mask? Maybe he's wearing makeup under the mask, just in case someone takes it off.

I knew I hated Joel Schumacher when he ruined the Batman series, but apparently there was an entire well of hatred that I hadn't tapped into yet.

Edited to add:

Ok, Butler just ruined it again for me. I thought "All I Ask of You" was pretty good, even his part wasn't too bad. The crushed rose leaves falling in the snow was gut-wrenchingly bad, but I still had a pretty nice feeling left over from the song... until Butler did the final part ("You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you"). My asscheeks could do a better job singing that. Yes, my asscheeks.

I'm also missing the chandelier falling at the end of the 2nd act, but at least I knew to expect that. Hmmm... maybe I'll keep this post open, just in case Butler, Schumacher, or anyone else ruins this film again.

And I didn't have to wait long!!! What happened to the amazing costume for the Phantom as the Red Death? That was one of my favorite parts! Did they think a film audience wouldn't know who it was? I mean, it's pretty obvious that the musical has been dumbed down for the film version. Arrgh! Now I'm just getting whiney... but I guess that's just the 15-year-old girl in me.

Back again. Did her costume completely change for the cemetary scene? If I wasn't so lazy, I'd rewind and check (we have a DVR). But I wouldn't want to put myself through the agony of slow-motion Raoul chasing after her on a white horse... bareback. Honestly, this has gone past Velveeta and is now in the realm of Cheez Whiz. Maybe even E-Z Cheese.

If they ruin "Wandering Child," my favorite song, I'm going to throw something at the TV. The three voices together are usually so beautiful... let's see how they do. YES! Totally ruined!!! The totally left out my favorite part! Why? I'm guessing that Butler couldn't sing it. Thanks, Schumacher.

The little parts between Christine and Raoul that are usually sung are really starting to bug me when they're spoken. What, did Schumacher think he'd lose the audience if there wasn't enough talking? But it's OK to have your characters speak in verse instead, since none of the rhyming words were changed? Oh Joel, you lost us long, long ago.

Hmm. The Don Juan Triumphant rehearsal scene was cut. Oh well, I guess it means that this ordeal will be over that much quicker!

Ah, at this juncture, I will say it's refreshing to not have Sarah Brightman singing. I really like Emily Rossum's voice. She's doing a fantastic job with "The Point of No Return." The Christine I saw in London was good too, but the guy playing the Phantom totally camped it up. Why do they keep letting guys ruin this character? He's supposed to be a sympathetic character. At least that's the way I always read it. I hate Butler's Phantom.

*yawn* This film is getting boring, just when it's supposed to be suspenseful. At this time, I will reveal that Ryan and I used to write letters to each other as Erik (the Phantom) and Christine in 9th grade. We wrote them in a weird code that was pretty hard to read, until you got the hang of it. It was like having an imaginary disfigured boyfriend.

Sweet!! Finally a gross face! Yep, I'm at the second unmasking. Should have been much worse, but at least he's disgusting enough looking. Umm, what gigantic chandelier takes 30 seconds to fall? Terrible.

By the way, I love that Joe from Angels in America is playing Raoul. I love him.

Butler was doing a pretty good job at the end, until he sang his final words as if his character was mentally challenged, not deformed. If they do another flash-forward at the end I'm gonna scream. Yes, they did. WHY???? Did they have to spell out the reason Raoul buys the music box in the beginning? Again, stop thinking that your audience is full of morons.

Wow. Two hours of my life that I will never get back.